Time out – As of today I have been put on a ‘time out’. Last Thursday was my first day back at daycare since I went on holiday (so it had been a week and 3 days). Thursday morning was weigh day, I did loose on holiday meaning I was now under band (we all have bandings put in place to show us were we should be in relation to weight gain). I had my review also on Thursday and it was decided on holiday I should have at least maintained my weight, but because nothing was really set in stone before I left they gave me a choice; go on timeout straight away, or wait till Monday and see if I could gain 1kg to get back in my banding. As to say that hasn’t happened as I have been struggling a lot since Holiday so I have been sent on a weeks timeout. So for the rest of this week I don’t go into daycare, I stay at home to “think” about what I actually want in terms of recovery, life, if I want to continue on etc. You may be thinking, logic? Is there any logic in that? Surley if you are struggling more you should get more help? Well that isn’t exactly the case as I should have cooperated and kept fighting but I have semi given up; so in their eyes I need time to think. Which isn’t wrong, I do need to think about what I want, if I want recovery, how much motivation I have. So over this next week the rule is I have to at least maintain my current weight but preferably they want me to gain (or should I say restoring) at least some of what I lost before and during holiday.
I have to admit, for the last two and a half/ three weeks I have really struggled and the thoughts to relapse/loose weight have become extremely strong again. Which I hate. I have struggled with recovery but these last few weeks have been the first time in this recovery that I have truly wanted to give up, to just throw in the towel completely and resort back to where I was. I have partially given into that thought – I have gone back into/thought lots of behaviours I haven’t done for a while. I’m really struggling with knowing the difference between what are ‘my thoughts’ and ‘the eating disorders’, making it extremely hard to know whats right and what’s wrong. This week is going to be very hard, I’m exhausted from fighting and my motivation is low – I’m scared to go backwards but I’m scared to stay where I am and I’m scared to recover. So really I cannot win. I’m going to have to try to fight everything in me to not do these behaviours or at least do them least often. I’m not sure what is going to happen; there are lots of pros and cons that I really do need to sit and think about. I hate how my mind is at the moment and I am feeling very fragile, I’m lucky I have the support from my family around me.
At least one of the positives of this week is I get to spend more time with biscuit and save A LOT of money on doggy day care!!
I hope everyone is well and enjoying (or tolerating) their first weeks back at school/work – whatever you all are up too!