My first week – struggles

So I’ve officially been in day care a week now and all I can really say is mentally I’m struggling loads. My first week there was very hard and it didn’t help it was only a 2 and a half day week (so I realise technically I’ve only been there for 4 days but you get what I mean).

Albert Unit Day Care is very different to any other treatment I’ve been in; its your responsibility to a degree but also they challenge you a lot with ‘scarier’ foods to which you can’t get out of and you do eventually have to eat (realised now after many attempts at trying I’ll be honest they do not let you refuse a meal or snack!). The ‘scary’ food parts I haven’t really had to combat yet as I’m not on full diet (this is due to starving myself for so long I have to gradually increase my diet with help from the dietician) which I’m kinda dreading and I did have an increase yesterday but I still don’t have to do certain things. But they also have loads of different types of groups including after lunch everyday we have a “food and feelings” group where we openly talk about how we feel about the food we’ve eaten, any issues in the dining room, how we overcome certain feelings etc. This is strange for me as I’ve never openly said how I feel about what I’ve just eaten especially  not in front of other people who are struggling as I’ve never wanted to trigger them but we have to openly discuss to get over triggers which in the long run I guess will be beneficial. My first food and feelings group after lunch last Tuesday I sat there rather upset anyway after eating but also rather triggered by what other people where saying, but, as the week has gone on this trigger has gotten less and less which is good. There’s also DBT skills, CBT, relationship group and creative expressions. We also have community meeting every Monday, which yesterday I found difficult, we had just had weigh in and then we spoke about how our weekends where and then the part that shocked me the most we openly discussed what happened with our weight and how we felt about it. Not only did I find it triggering, I also hate talking about my weight to people so it was rather uncomfortable! But I’m hoping I’ll get used to that one. So overall the programme of day care is very supportive and I do think it could be benificial – it just is petrifying.

Petrifying in the sense of letting myself accept the help. At the start I was positive and wanted to change and now every passing day I find myself doubting if I can do it, do I deserve to be day patient? Do I deserve to get better? Can I do this? Do I want to do it? I have spoken to the staff at the unit and I’ve recognised with their help that it’s the eating disorder making me want to doubt myself so I give up and go back to how I was, dying. It’s still extremely hard though and every meal and snack just seems like a chore and I catch myself trying to do every little thing to have the least calories, least of everything but I can’t seem to change it. The staff are pretty on it and strict with me which I guess it’s what I need. I am so good (and I will admit it) at putting myself down and saying I can’t do it, can’t gain the weight, cope with the weight gain, just generally can’t do life. I am finding all the emotions very hard to deal with and the not being in control of it very difficult. So I feel like a bit of a downer really and hate the fact I can’t say it is all bright and rosy but I guess I knew it wouldn’t really be. But the programme seems positive which I guess is the good thing to take away from this.

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