Relapse. What does this word mean to me? By dictionary definition the word relapse means as a verb “(of a sick or injured person) deteriorate after a period of improvement.” and as a noun “a deterioration in someone’s state of health after a temporary improvement.” To me this word sums up my last four months. I hate to admit it, I still am trying to admit that this is what has happened; but I have relapsed badly with my anorexia.
Over the last 3-4 months I have quickly deteriorated and it is actually scary how quick it took back control. These months have been pure hell. I had a pretty ‘free’ one maybe one and a half years from restricting, purging etc. I had my bad days within this time but not like this. Back in February I was doing ok in terms of my eating – going out having food, weekly trips to nandos, enjoying takeaways, enjoying food. Then suddenly I found myself in this extreme state of control, perfection and torture. I’m still unsure on what bought this on, what ‘triggered’ this relapse and I don’t know if I’ll ever know for sure. How I can go from enjoying food to completely fearing it and wanting nothing to do with it in a mater of days is pretty mind screwing. I can barely remember the start of my relapse, I don’t really know what happened, when it really started, but my head is like mush at the moment anyway. Maybe at a later stage i’ll figure it out with help so then I can make sure I am aware of my triggers and know how to manage them to prevent a further relapse.
This relapse has been extremely hard on loads of people including myself, but I know that recovery is going to be an even harder journey. But I do have the support of so many people who I am so grateful for.
On another note, I’ve been pretty bad at keeping up with this whole blogging malarkey but I’m thinking I may try use it more now, to document my recovery. So I apologise for being absent and we’ll see where this takes me.